night out

I just had the best night, went out with a group of friends, laughed like I haven't laughed in a long time, even jumped on the dance (something I usualy never do) but I got out there. Was having so much fun until the lil voice in the back of my mind started, I held it off for a lil while but it just over powered me, the- oh my god, how fat do I look, is there a roll of fat somewhere, does my face look yuk, I could just go on and on. Was dancing with a male friend, it was a slow dance, I know him so well I know that he likes me for who I am, not for what I look like, but I still felt disgusting in his arms...It had started out such a joyful moment such fun, then it just became painful. Its even worse when your sitting with the guys and you hear them comment on just how pretty that girl is or that other girl is and you don't actually have any interest in them thinking that your hot, but you begin to compare yourself with them, are you as pretty as that girl, who's bigger you or her. I'm sure i'm smaller that what I see, the scales tell me that, but I still only see this big fat girl, and she just wont go away...the quest to lose weight I just wonder that even if I lose 5 more kilos, 10 more kilos, even if I lose a whole more 20kgs if I would see the differnece. Even sitting here now, all I can see is my stomach sticking out, and I couldn't even be sure that it is actually there. Its just really crazy, so crazy in my mind...and I know I talk about it heaps, but I just dont get how I lack motivation, I mean how can I not want to be working out a heap more. I aim to go to the gym in the morning and put in a good work out...a really good one, and if I cant do it for me then I'll I do it for anyone who may possibly be reading this, because this blog isn't about lies, its about the truth...So, i'm making a promise to you guys anyone out there that tomorrow I will go to the gym (i'll just take it one day at a time)