bored

I'm soooo bored, waiting to go to work, have nothing else to do...well theres like a hundred other things I could be doing but I cant be bothered with it all. So I thought i'd just write, try and prevent myself from eating during my boredom. Works hard too, I work in houses so theres always food readily available...and bad bad bad food that tempts me all the time.... I feel lost again, in this desperate state, I lost a lot of weight last time by eating just healthy stuff and lots off it, but I've lost that will..no, not the will, I just cant say no anymore, I give in and eat all the shit that makes me sooooo fat, and I cant help it. Its like a trance, I go looking for food and when I find it I eat and eat and eat then I feel sick and disgusted with myself. I haven't thrown it up, was never good at that, but then I starve myself and the vicious cycle continues.EAT STARVE EAT STARVE...I'm pathetic. I'm trying to avoid mirrors at the moment, I know my mind is playing tricks on me, but I cant help it...theres the fat, all over me and I just want to get it off...its disgusting. I dont think I will ever be happy, I could turn into a pack of bones and still see the fat I think, its all over me... its choking me.
I have my inspirations, the people that I think are beautiful, who I would kill to look like, cameron diaz, shes amazing ...gwen stefani, what a body and shes beautiful...and its not just there looks, the body...its the confidence that comes from them its radiant...how I would just love to walk into a room of people and not worry about the fat, just to feel the confidence within myself to have a good time, let go all those things, intead...I hide in the corener and hope that no one sees me...I had my work Christmas party the other night, I rearanged the name places on the table so I could be in the darkest corener...every one danced, how I longed to dance...and I can dance I've been in lessons since I was 3, thats like 18 years of lessons, but I hid in the corner too scared to let anyone see me in the dress I was wearing, it was sickening. People are starting to notice at work, the act of being confident is starting to break down...they saw the fear of me at that party. 'You look beautiful, but if you're not comforatble in it why didn't you wear some thing you did feel comfortable in'....they said that to me, 'COS I DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE IN ANYTHING THAT I WEAR' thats it, I just never feel comfortable. The worst thing...I think I actually said that to some one...my walls are falling down...its bad bad bad.
Fat Fat go away, come again anothr day (actually just go away)