back to black

So its back to the darkness, back into the black hole for me...Christmas was so horrible, my mum found me stuffing my face with biscuits (that I dont even like) so many in my mouth that I couldnt even talk...its disgusting...i'm so disgusting...fat is back, and its sucking me up.
I havent felt so dark in ages, my head is in such a bad place....and the funny thing is I know that exercise will help me feel alot better, (this is not to loose weight) it will just make me feel better, but my head will not allow it to happen...I've gone back to avoiding the mirror, everything is just warped....I cant stand to look...why wont it just go away, why wont it leave me alone...why doesnt anything go right???WHY!!!!!!
You know when you think that everything that will go wrong has gone wrong...never....got the call from a friend telling me her boyfriend had just been run over by his work truck...if you saw this on the news...this is my mate....maybe its just me, maybe I should just avoid everything and everyone, i'm bad luck....maybe you should stop reading now...what good could come of reading any further.
I just dont know how to love myself, I just dont know how to care about me, maybe just allowing the hate to take over will just be easier...but I never seem to take the easy way out.