love is the drug

This probably wont be my last post for the year, but this is a time that for me that is one of the strangest times of my life...Christmas for most I guess is a really joyful time, a time for happiness, then comes the new year and theres the time to refelect, the time to celebrate achievements, a time to let go and to begin again. SO...lets go back a year for me, when Christmas was a time to celebrate with family, especially with my grandparents...this is the time to make it happiest for them. Christmas gone, at 5am the hospital calls, the family needs to come in, its not going to be long now....so we sit, from about 6am we sit there watching him die, and at 8.30pm my Grandfather is gone, we bring my Grandmother back in, she doesn't recognise him, she says I only recognise this part of his hand touching it gently, I tell her to kiss him on his head...come new years eve, we are in the church, it is his funeral, his final good-bye...I cant believe he is gone. The weeks to come my grandmother is getting worse, she sees him everywhere, we re-live Christmas day for the next 3 weeks as we tell her, he is gone...we cry alot. The weeks to follow reveal that she has cancer, dementia and cancer...I celebrate my b'day in May, sitting in the hospital room with her, I'm praying that she will get better...2 days later, the call, 'we dont think she will make it through the day'...we dont have to wait so long this time, 3.30pm my Grandmother is gone. This Christmas will be one year for him, and the first year without both of them, not so merry after all....
I saw a doctor years ago, diagnosis....bipolar depression, I start to take the pills, and I feel nothing, nothing at all, I dont feel sad anymore, I dont feel anything...is life worth living this way? I stop taking it, I opt for feelings....it got better though, I learned how my moods went, I knew when I was in my 'fake happiness' I knew when the drop was coming, it got better for me, it got to the point where the moods the swings the drops only visited on the rare occasion...
This year has been a blur, I dont remeber most of it even going by....depression was back, and is still there.
So why the name of the post, 'Love is the drug' I got a early xmas gift from a friend, with a great pj singlet that has the slogan 'love is the drug' on it, it got me thinking...love is the drug. I know that I have a lot of love to give, but I dont give myself any, those childhood bullies that make you feel shit, that your scared will hurt you...thats me...to myself...I dont allow myself nto be loved, not by others, and not by me...I stopped letting people touch me along time ago, I didn't let my parents hug me, I have pushed my boyfriend away.
I want to let love be the drug...I want to learn to love myself again (this will fit in to my world of fat) I will love myself by feeding my body (not starving it) with the good foods it needs, I will exercise so it will feel good. This will be a long journey for me, I know I will have set backs, but I have to keep the fight, and i'm gonna take the best drug with me....love (ha, love is making my stomach turn at the min...it'll get better)

But to my most precious loves Nana and Papa, who truely loved me, and who I loved with every part of my heart...I miss you more than words can say, you are eternally in my heart.