nothing else to do

Isn't it funny, when you actually have time to stop and think and how scary that can sometimes be. I think i'm gonna like this thing, if anyone sees it well good for them maybe that make something out of my rantings, and if no one does, well I managed to get all the shit that I think about outta my mind...the quest for self satisfaction, you know its funny, I can give out a shit load of advice and its not bullshit it all makes sense but you know what I can never seem to follow it...But yes, I made it to the gym today (claps for me) it felt good, but I get so bored so quickly, after like 5 mins of the treadmill i'm over it, I gotta like work it out, I need to keep myself motivated, and occupied. Its my aim to head back there in the morning...Although, I keep thinking that like no matter how hard I work I can never see the results. Like I've lost almost 20kgs and I can't even notice it, I'm not sure if I have a miss lead image in my mindl...all I see is fat, I'm sure i'm not that huge, but I feel it...I feel fat. I dunno what else to say....I just dont wanna be fat anymorel...what ever fat is to me.

entry 1

Ok, so why am I doing this, so I can finally work through all this carp known as being fat...am I fat, I dunno, I eat healthy I work out...I guess I was one of the fat, so far I have nearly lost 20kgs but its not enough for me...no I'm no a wasting away pretty girl who is on the strive for thin, skeleton...i'm looking for that place where I feel comfortable with me, and I'm not there yet. And I so want to be. This is not only a quest for physical transformation, this is a quest to find the inner beauty and peace within me which I can't ever remeber having. I'm not entierly sure how I plan to use you yet, but I already feel good just writing this....This is my comitment to myself and to anyone else who sees this... I plan to make this transformation, on my own and for me...cos I feel that it is the only way that it can work.
So here I begin in hope that by puuting my feelings all out there I may be able to work out me how to find the happiness that I crave...and to be comfortable with who I am, how I look and so forth...and with that I go forth on this journey.