lazy

Like the distance between this post and my last...its just lazy, no motivation...I've slacked off the exercise...bad...i've been eating like a pig....bad....started taking diet pills, its a desperation, I don't know what to do, my body is making me sick and I just seem to be getting bigger and bigger...its sooooo disusting....I need to make things work, I need to get on track.....how do I get on track??? Help!!!

bad

Its been a bad, bad day. I feel like, I feel like shit, so bad that the thoughts flooded into my minds...if only I was brave enough to do it, like I used to be, at least i'm not on watch anymore. All I did was eat today, it was my comforter...All I can do now is lay here resisting the depressive sleep (I know i'll wake up feeling worse) try not to eat anymore, and hope this stage goes fast...Fucccccccccckkkkkkkkkk....I hate it

keep on going

Its been a ok day today, not too many bad thoughts. Went for a 30 min run, did 500 sit ups. I don't feel like it was enough...but at least it was something. Hopefully I can have a better day tomorrow. Wrote a letter to my boyfriend today, trying to explain how i'm feeling, even tried to explain how I feel about me, whats going on in my brain...wasn't a great explanation, but it was a start. I've gotta keep on going, keep on fighting, i'm determine to win this battle inside my head, determine to win the battle of fat, determine to like me.

who have I become?

Who am I, who I have I become, I can't even see who I am any more...I don't know how to find me, I don't even know how to become the person that I want to be. I feel drained, I can't find the motivation to go to the gym, I can't find the motivation to do anything. What do I want to do??? Who am I going to become?
I need to find some structure, some plan to find happiness, no, not happiness, I need to find a way to loose weight, its the only way i'm sure that I will be happy...I wish I could just find the answer.
I'm lonely, I'm all alone, no not physically, I have the things that people have, friends, family...a boyfriend...but I am all alone.
My boyfriend, how I love him...how I'm sure that he doesn't love me, i'm sure he has no plans to ever really be with me...and I want more, but I dont think i will ever get it.
I can't even give to him...give to him who I am, I cannot be comfortable with myself...i'm just disgusted in what I am.
I wish I could look through the eyes of others and see what they see about me, because all I have is hate, I hate me.

hate

Thinking, thinking, thinking...the only conclusion that I can come to is that I have learned to hate who I am, at this very moment theres not one thing that I can think about myself that I like. I hate the fact that I hate myself. Nothing, not one thing at this very moment feels like it will be able to be fixed, I look at myself and I hate what I see, I just dont see the point, I dont know why I bother trying, cos I just hate me, I hate me, I hate me I fucking hate who I am!!!

blah

Its just so reoccuring, I went to the gym, and I did a ok work out. I feel good, I feel great, then...I just feel fat. I look in the mirror and I just see fat...I know i'm not small, but i'm not what i'm seeing, and even though I know that I can't help what I see and I cant help what feel. I'm gonna go back though, back to the gym tomorrow, face my toughest critic...me.
Tomorrow will be better, tomorrow I will eat well, tomorrow I will work out well, tomorrow I will try to look past all the illusions in my head and see me...I just want to see me...not fat!

night out

I just had the best night, went out with a group of friends, laughed like I haven't laughed in a long time, even jumped on the dance (something I usualy never do) but I got out there. Was having so much fun until the lil voice in the back of my mind started, I held it off for a lil while but it just over powered me, the- oh my god, how fat do I look, is there a roll of fat somewhere, does my face look yuk, I could just go on and on. Was dancing with a male friend, it was a slow dance, I know him so well I know that he likes me for who I am, not for what I look like, but I still felt disgusting in his arms...It had started out such a joyful moment such fun, then it just became painful. Its even worse when your sitting with the guys and you hear them comment on just how pretty that girl is or that other girl is and you don't actually have any interest in them thinking that your hot, but you begin to compare yourself with them, are you as pretty as that girl, who's bigger you or her. I'm sure i'm smaller that what I see, the scales tell me that, but I still only see this big fat girl, and she just wont go away...the quest to lose weight I just wonder that even if I lose 5 more kilos, 10 more kilos, even if I lose a whole more 20kgs if I would see the differnece. Even sitting here now, all I can see is my stomach sticking out, and I couldn't even be sure that it is actually there. Its just really crazy, so crazy in my mind...and I know I talk about it heaps, but I just dont get how I lack motivation, I mean how can I not want to be working out a heap more. I aim to go to the gym in the morning and put in a good work out...a really good one, and if I cant do it for me then I'll I do it for anyone who may possibly be reading this, because this blog isn't about lies, its about the truth...So, i'm making a promise to you guys anyone out there that tomorrow I will go to the gym (i'll just take it one day at a time)

i did it

Yes, I made it to the gym, despite feeling supper self concious the whole time I was there I felt good after it, but does it change the way that I feel overall...no...I still feel disgusted in me...in hope that this feeling will change (some day)

day by day

everyday I have to look at myself in the mirror and regret what I see, then there are people who appear to love me and tell me i'm beautiful, I long to see it. I'm slipping back into bad habbits, when i'm alone when i'm sad food seems to call me, but never the good stuff its always the bad...the funny thing is I don't really like the taste of junk food, but I seem to eat it to console myself...what am I consoling myself about, I just dont know. I'm unhappy in me, I'm unahppy with everything. I have so much healing to do, so much more of me to find and to understand. People may wonder why I search for a physical transformation, its because I'm so scared, so in hate of what I look like that the inner me screaming to come out hides in the physical self that I dont want to show. I dont just want to be thin (not bones) I want to have a body that i'm happy with, one that I can face the world in, one that I respect and love, not one that I allow to harm (in so many ways) I want to go to the gym, but I cant find the inspiration...give it to me, I need to go and do it for myself, so I can complete my jorney one day, so I can love who I am....I want to love who I am. ok...I'm gonna go, i'm gonna go to the gym...it'll be good, it'll work (i have to keep telling myself that)

here I am again

Yes I return, so how am I feeling, I dunno...summer appears to be creeping up heaps faster than I realised, and nothing in my wardrobe fits...its all too big, but there is nothing that I like at all in shops so i'm in a bit of trouble...any satisfaction in myself yet...no...I still feel really disgusting, just so disgusted in myself...I've been eating fairly ok, yes a few moments of regret but not that many, been running everyday thats been good...it was a struggle at first but its geting easier each time, havent been to the gym in a lil while, way busy with work, but i'll get there in the next 2 weeks, should be good. My problem with it is I get really bored so easy, motivation gets so hard. I need to find motivation, cos I know if I want to I can avoid wearing a bathing suit, but I don't want to have to do that, I want to be happy with me. You know its funny I dont even know if I really have ever been happy and after all the crap I have had to deal with in the year, its hard to be happy, but, I want to get there, just like with this weight crap. For once I want self satisfaction. I want to like who I see in the mirror. I want to be able to walk into a group of people and feel confident not self concious. I just want to be able to like me...Just to find that motivation do the things I need to do to get there. If theres anyone out there bothering to read my crap and have any suggestions send them my way.