last for the year

Well its come to that time again...to end another year, this will be my last post for 2005...i'm getting outta here for a few days, to think it was new years eve past that we lay to rest my grandfather...so many things have changed, this year has just been a blur for me. But what this year has taught me is that alot of shit can happen, if you allow yourself to fall into a heap then thats where your most likely gonna stay...2005 I pronounce to be the shitest year of my life, it was one long roller coaster that seemed to just be heading down...am I happy...no...will I ever be happy, I dont know, I dont remember what it feels like to be really happy...but it is time to put the year to rest, to put away all the saddness and grief....time to start it all again, will things change for me, will the fat finally go away, I just dont know. But I think that its about time for changes, what those changes are I have no idea yet, but there need to be some or FAT is going to end it all for me, cos right now hope seems distant and my head is in a bad place.
For all those who have been around for me in this blog world, I thank-you, believe it or not sometimes just knowing there may be a message of hope for me out there is the only reason that I get out of bed, this blog is probably the best thing I have done...depressing as it is, it has become a reason to live for me....I know I have many hurdles to jump, many challenges to face, and with that many obsticals to over come, I know that I cant do it alone, so for those who are with me on this ride, look out...2006 is a new year for me...and I dont plan to out without a fight...not yet anyway!

back to black

So its back to the darkness, back into the black hole for me...Christmas was so horrible, my mum found me stuffing my face with biscuits (that I dont even like) so many in my mouth that I couldnt even talk...its disgusting...i'm so disgusting...fat is back, and its sucking me up.
I havent felt so dark in ages, my head is in such a bad place....and the funny thing is I know that exercise will help me feel alot better, (this is not to loose weight) it will just make me feel better, but my head will not allow it to happen...I've gone back to avoiding the mirror, everything is just warped....I cant stand to look...why wont it just go away, why wont it leave me alone...why doesnt anything go right???WHY!!!!!!
You know when you think that everything that will go wrong has gone wrong...never....got the call from a friend telling me her boyfriend had just been run over by his work truck...if you saw this on the news...this is my mate....maybe its just me, maybe I should just avoid everything and everyone, i'm bad luck....maybe you should stop reading now...what good could come of reading any further.
I just dont know how to love myself, I just dont know how to care about me, maybe just allowing the hate to take over will just be easier...but I never seem to take the easy way out.

love is the drug

This probably wont be my last post for the year, but this is a time that for me that is one of the strangest times of my life...Christmas for most I guess is a really joyful time, a time for happiness, then comes the new year and theres the time to refelect, the time to celebrate achievements, a time to let go and to begin again. SO...lets go back a year for me, when Christmas was a time to celebrate with family, especially with my grandparents...this is the time to make it happiest for them. Christmas gone, at 5am the hospital calls, the family needs to come in, its not going to be long now....so we sit, from about 6am we sit there watching him die, and at 8.30pm my Grandfather is gone, we bring my Grandmother back in, she doesn't recognise him, she says I only recognise this part of his hand touching it gently, I tell her to kiss him on his head...come new years eve, we are in the church, it is his funeral, his final good-bye...I cant believe he is gone. The weeks to come my grandmother is getting worse, she sees him everywhere, we re-live Christmas day for the next 3 weeks as we tell her, he is gone...we cry alot. The weeks to follow reveal that she has cancer, dementia and cancer...I celebrate my b'day in May, sitting in the hospital room with her, I'm praying that she will get better...2 days later, the call, 'we dont think she will make it through the day'...we dont have to wait so long this time, 3.30pm my Grandmother is gone. This Christmas will be one year for him, and the first year without both of them, not so merry after all....
I saw a doctor years ago, diagnosis....bipolar depression, I start to take the pills, and I feel nothing, nothing at all, I dont feel sad anymore, I dont feel anything...is life worth living this way? I stop taking it, I opt for feelings....it got better though, I learned how my moods went, I knew when I was in my 'fake happiness' I knew when the drop was coming, it got better for me, it got to the point where the moods the swings the drops only visited on the rare occasion...
This year has been a blur, I dont remeber most of it even going by....depression was back, and is still there.
So why the name of the post, 'Love is the drug' I got a early xmas gift from a friend, with a great pj singlet that has the slogan 'love is the drug' on it, it got me thinking...love is the drug. I know that I have a lot of love to give, but I dont give myself any, those childhood bullies that make you feel shit, that your scared will hurt you...thats me...to myself...I dont allow myself nto be loved, not by others, and not by me...I stopped letting people touch me along time ago, I didn't let my parents hug me, I have pushed my boyfriend away.
I want to let love be the drug...I want to learn to love myself again (this will fit in to my world of fat) I will love myself by feeding my body (not starving it) with the good foods it needs, I will exercise so it will feel good. This will be a long journey for me, I know I will have set backs, but I have to keep the fight, and i'm gonna take the best drug with me....love (ha, love is making my stomach turn at the min...it'll get better)

But to my most precious loves Nana and Papa, who truely loved me, and who I loved with every part of my heart...I miss you more than words can say, you are eternally in my heart.

how do u feel today?

You know that kids song...how do u feel today...if ur feeling happy then clap your hands...well today i'm feeling happy (this is like a rare thing for me) and it scares me...it scares me alot. Cause when I get happy, I usually get sad...very sad, its like my happiness esculates so high,its unreal, its unatural...but when i drop, God do I drop...its like being on top of the highest building then falling hard falling fast and when I hit, picking up the pieces is such a effort, I become such a mess. Its horrible to be scared to be happy. I just wish I could truely experience the emotion without the insecurities, without the fat!
I still feel really good about this little communtiy that I slowley seem to be comming in to, slowley seem to be building around me...I dont often feel like I fit in, I dont often feel like i'm accepted...I dont know if I am accepted here...maybe just understood, in some weird way shape or form....and I know i've said it before and i'm sure i'll say it again, I dont think you people out there in this blog world quite realise just how much reading a message from you means, just how much in this past week or so I have been inspired...I feel very blessed, blessed indeed, its like FAT just hasn't been as scary...I dont feel quite alone.
So, back in the real world, I've been riding me bike everyday...in fact in riding it as I'm typing this...been really wanting to get to the gym, just haven't quite got there, I manage to get the gym clothes on, even got into the car...then I just sat there. I used to go there 5 days a week...WHATS WRONG WITH ME!!!! Alot it seems...a lot, a lot, a lot.

the whole truth and nothing but the truth

Ok...so its time to face the real me, I often try to avoid this or loop into unreal worlds of disillusion. Its been about a year since I last actually weighed myself properly, well maybe last January was the last time.
It was probably like a year and a half ago that I actually became aware of the reality of my weight.
The funny thing was I was a skinny child, no, maybe I wouldn't call it skinny, I was fit and I was healthy (i've danced since I was 3) I had problems with my knee and sunk into a depression and gained a little but not a lot of weight. During 2000-2001 I gained a extreem amount of weight, in like a sort of 6 month period I gained like 25kgs (very scary) especailly when I ate quite healthy actually very healthy ...This spun my mind, I had no idea how with no diet change so much weight could come on.
Major surgery on my knee came in the beginning on 2001 and kept me non functional for 3 months and a year before I could almost walk properly again (more weight gain) So I went to the doctors...he gave me pills for the weight (needed a script) ...so $150 later i'm taking these pills, when I came back a month later no weight loss, not even half a kilo nothing...just more fat...I was going crazy, I didn't know what to do. Then came the pain, and I mean mass physical pain, when the pain came I couldn't even walk...pain killers put me to sleep and I would sleep the pain away...so, finally a hundred invasive tests later I get the so not so great news I HAVE PCOS...Yay! This disease (if you would call it that) is actually the reason I have gained the weight...so after the crying and the depaire, I decide I need help, I go see a dietician and for the first time since like 1999 I get weighed...now back in 1999 (about 16-17 years old ..i'm 22 now) I weighed like 54kgs.... in 2004 ...yes I know theres a big jump in time but at 17 your not too far from the height your going to be (hence the weight you should be) ...so back to 2004, I stepped on the scale and weighed in at 79.9kgs (SREAMS) I feel sick thinking back to it...so I dont go on a 'diet' this time, due to the disease there are food I just cant eat cos they just dont burn off, they store and become fat. I change my life style. The last time I saw the dietician way back in Feb-March of this year the lowest weight that I hit was 63.4kgs...so yes I have lost some weight, but I still aim to loose more. So, the main point to this rant is that I purchased a scale today (very scary) and then I stood on it (scarier) and now I know where I am at again...sooooooo....here it is people, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
Sunday 18th Dec 2005, Laura weighs in at 65kgs . My aim...I want to go back to the 55kgs (for my height this is still a healthy place for me to be...I dont want to be bones) I want to go back before the gain and before the constant self hatred came in.
I want to re-gain me, I want to find me...I'm sick of the fat.
So, 10kgs can I do it...that is the question, I'm sure as hell gonna give it a try.

1st challange met

ok, so my eating has alot left to be desired for today (not good at all) but despite being absolutely tired I managed to get all my Christmas shopping done, and got my new exercise bike...I dunno whats wrong with me, but when the sales person asked if it was for me i couldn't say yes, I had to lie and say it was a present...but despite all that I got the bike therefore achieving my first challenge (not hard at all, but I did it) I'm feeling really really really fat today, and the worst thing is I have to go out....(going it is like torture for me...I shrink way into my fat) oh...and in my rush of a day, I forgot to check out the scales (maybe a good thing) but I will get on it soon, and go from there.....again, thanks for all who are posting...you have no idea just how amazing and wonderful it is for me.....well into the shower I go, gotta get ready :(
I will be back, hopefully with some good updates and progress

inspired

Thank-you to all those who posted back...Like I replied to most, its in hope that I can create some kind of I guess for lack of better words, a communtiy a support network, its amazing to see how you all have supported eachother and it would be great to have that kind of support...and if it was it doesn't work as support, as i'm the type of person who doesn't like to let people down i'll have to make promises that I have to keep.
Ok...so no more crap, no more bullshit. Tomorrow i'm gonna stand on a scale and get a current weight, so I know exactly where I am, and then I can work out where I want to be.
I'm going to get the exercise bike that I have wanted for soooo long, at least that way if I cant get to the gym I will have something at home that I can do.
No more downward spiral, things have to get better, I'm going to make it better. So I beg to those who have previously posted those who wish to post....please do...I need all the help and support I can get. From this minute on (well when I wake up) its my vow to loose the 'fat' both physically and mentally. You have no idea how scary that seems. So, now I plan to set a new goal every week...tiny tiny steps...so goal for the week (not much of the week left) is to get the exercise bike, and its as good as done. Maybe if I can overcome small goals things wont seem as big...or overwhelming.....Wish me luck...cos here I go

i'm disgusting

I just ate and ate and ate and ate....i'm so disgusting, I ate a piece of toast at work...not so bad, at porridge when I got home, still going ok, then like and he later I ate a apple then pizza shapes then a egg sandwhich then a nectarine then a glass of chocolate crap, all within like an hour.......yuk, I feel like throwing it all up, its like I couldn't help it, I just kept eating, I couldn't stop...whats wrong with me........i'm just so sick, so disgusting, so yuk....i'm repulsed.........god I hate myself.

do u want to be fat (duwtbf)

DUWTBF...I'm going to write this on my arm...yes, do you want to be fat, this is my attempt to inspire myself...I just ate lunch and due to bordem, depression...the hundred and one reasons, I went straight back to the fridge...but this time I said no...I stood there for a while, and looked while my mind turned over and over 'do you want to be fat' NO I dont want to be fat...so I finally closed the fridge and ran to the computer to write. I'm taking more pills, not quite the 6 I planned to take, but I have added a extra one in the morning...its really expenisve taking these pills, like its costing like $40 every 2 weeks if I upped the dose it could be like $40 a week, yes I know not like way overly expensive, but who doesnt want to be spending $40 on something else....I mean if I was skinny, I could be buying a new top or something...but for the minute its staying on the pills...I haven't been to the gym in ages, other than being overly worked, when I have the time I'm just too tired and way too lazy. Got some time off work coming up...good time for thinking, planning and trying to fix......in hope in hope in hope.

panic

It was a horrible morning in the world of fat...its never happened before, but this morning I had my first big panic attack over being fat. I looked in the mirror it was like it was blurred, I looked soooooooooo huge. It felt like I couldn't breath, I didn't know where to turn, I didn't know where to look....I just wanted the fat off. I dont understand, i've been eating better, taking these diet pills, why am I more fat than ever?
I'm seriously going crazy...gonna exercise...havent done that in a while..maybe it'll help, probably not!

FAT

So again I come back to fill in the meaningless time that I have to spare...still taking the diet pills...dont think they are actually doing anything, but I guess its just a comfort to think that they might...thinking that when this lot is finished i'll up the dose rather than 3 times a day I may take 6 a day...maybe that'll help (its a very expensive process, but i'll do anything to beat fat)
Been very lazy, havent done any exercise...just been so tired, I feel the depression setting in again, I remeber how I used to sleep, all I did was sleep, I slept most of my teen years away. I dont want to return to that dark place again, being covered in fat is dark enough. My eating has been better... not better, cos if it was better i'd be eating properly, I guess i've been more controlled, the mornings are easier and the nights are ok...but...its during the day where the binge seems to happen...I need to beat it. I've forgotten how I did it before, how I lost the weight...all I remember is that I didn't starve myself...I've been a little lucky, summer down here seems to be taking a slower start than usual, in fact there were like floods yesterday (welcome summer) it was nice to be able to hide in my clothes, cos when summer is in full force here you have no choice but to shed the winter layers....it gets really hot. I really want to sit down and make a plan, a eating plan a exercise plan...make it soooo simple for myself that I basically read what i'll eat for the day, see what exercise I will do.......but I guess it'll fail...i'm in a spiral of failure. I am a failure.

bored

I'm soooo bored, waiting to go to work, have nothing else to do...well theres like a hundred other things I could be doing but I cant be bothered with it all. So I thought i'd just write, try and prevent myself from eating during my boredom. Works hard too, I work in houses so theres always food readily available...and bad bad bad food that tempts me all the time.... I feel lost again, in this desperate state, I lost a lot of weight last time by eating just healthy stuff and lots off it, but I've lost that will..no, not the will, I just cant say no anymore, I give in and eat all the shit that makes me sooooo fat, and I cant help it. Its like a trance, I go looking for food and when I find it I eat and eat and eat then I feel sick and disgusted with myself. I haven't thrown it up, was never good at that, but then I starve myself and the vicious cycle continues.EAT STARVE EAT STARVE...I'm pathetic. I'm trying to avoid mirrors at the moment, I know my mind is playing tricks on me, but I cant help it...theres the fat, all over me and I just want to get it off...its disgusting. I dont think I will ever be happy, I could turn into a pack of bones and still see the fat I think, its all over me... its choking me.
I have my inspirations, the people that I think are beautiful, who I would kill to look like, cameron diaz, shes amazing ...gwen stefani, what a body and shes beautiful...and its not just there looks, the body...its the confidence that comes from them its radiant...how I would just love to walk into a room of people and not worry about the fat, just to feel the confidence within myself to have a good time, let go all those things, intead...I hide in the corener and hope that no one sees me...I had my work Christmas party the other night, I rearanged the name places on the table so I could be in the darkest corener...every one danced, how I longed to dance...and I can dance I've been in lessons since I was 3, thats like 18 years of lessons, but I hid in the corner too scared to let anyone see me in the dress I was wearing, it was sickening. People are starting to notice at work, the act of being confident is starting to break down...they saw the fear of me at that party. 'You look beautiful, but if you're not comforatble in it why didn't you wear some thing you did feel comfortable in'....they said that to me, 'COS I DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE IN ANYTHING THAT I WEAR' thats it, I just never feel comfortable. The worst thing...I think I actually said that to some one...my walls are falling down...its bad bad bad.
Fat Fat go away, come again anothr day (actually just go away)

black

You know when you think you've hit rock bottom, then everything bad just gets even worse....welcome to my life...i've had these black bands, nothing valuable, in fact they came off a toilet...i've been wearing these 3 black bands for 10years now, havent taken them off, they've just become a part of me...well...tonightone of my 3 bands have gone, where??? i dunno...I searched everywhere...but just like everything else in my life...no luck....I cant explain what they mean to me, why they actually mean soooo much...I had a massive panic attack when I realised it had gone, then cried when I couldnt find it....I doubt it'll ever come back....depression can set in fast...i locked myself in my car, back to my anti-social ways and just slept...I feel naked without it, and fat and naked doesnt work for me...its all shit.......I want my black band back