a story about keys

What a crappy few days....I got assulted by a cleint at work, shes almost 60 and managed to take such a good swipe that she got me good and it was only 8am when this happened...this was a start to a bad day...so already in a crappy mood I go to do my medication checks, all good, until I realised that one of the clients keys to her locker (where the meds are kept) is lost...gone...dissapeared, I called the other chicky I was working with and we searched everywhere (even bins) no keys...called the team leader (shes not to bad about this) but crap, how could I have lost the key....so both of us in a rush to get to the office for a meeting (and already running late) I call the office to say we'll be about 15mins late....off to the cars we go...chicky i'm working with has left her lights on and the car wont start....so me being the nice person I am decides i'll help her out being seeing if between the 2 of us we could 'push start' the car....well, no such luck, by this time we are both soaking wet cos the rain was falling, she says shes call the RACV and for me to head off to the office...good idea, until I look at my car key which I was holding in my hand which is now bent...oh shit, so we try to straighten out, now people, this is not a good idea cos my once nice car key that turned into a bent car key is now a snapped in half car key (and the only copy of the key that I have) Sooooo, you can imagine how bad it sounds having to call back the office to tell them that not only is chicky's car not working but I have snapped my car key in half therefore neither of us have a functional car....so after the RACV turning up we head off to locksmiths (many who say that they cant help) but finally one who says they can...I HAVE A KEY..go back to the car...the key doesn't fit...back to locksmith...finally it works...and back at work there is my team leader not looking too impressed....why, cos she had found the missing key AFTER she had already cut the lock with bolt cutters (SHIIIIIITTTTTT) Anyways, today was just as crap, I finally braved it to the doctors....after having this cold for a month I decided it may be time....got meds for that then had to go through a heap of tests and more to come on Friday....scared I am to find out about the results....so people I wont say what i'm being tested for, but keep your fingers crossed for me.
As far as eating I think i'm on a 80/20 ratio, 80% good eating 20% bad....so yeh, i'm not being too down on myself...my legs and stomach are killing me today (maybe the abs and ass/thigh exercises are doing something) so i'm gonna keep at it....hope all of you are well out there...lets keep our fight going....winners we will be.

Tagged

ehhhh, been ignoring the fact that I have been tagged a few times, so with the lattest tag from Ali, I will surrender and answer some meaningless questions about myself

4 Jobs I have done
Got my first job at 14 in retail, and moved around doing that while I was in school
Worked full time in a law firm and hated every minute
Worked doing waitressing and bar work during Uni
Taught kinder music and theatre, dance and singing when I finished uni...now I work as a diasabilty support worker (thats way more than 4)

4 movies you could watch over and over again
Grease
Girl interupted
A lot like love
Reality bites

4 places you have lived
been living with my parents too long and they have lived in the same house my whole life...but I guess you could say I also reside between the 2 houses I work at I sleep over so often it may as well be home

4 tv shows you love to watch
Home and away
neighbours
biggest loser
idol (yes...sad, but I love singing)

4 palces you have been on vacation
I have a fear of planes so the most far away place from here I guess is Sydney (which I braved the 40min plane trip) but yeh, lots of crappy drive to places

4 web sites I visit daily
I visit my e-mail account when I can...and try to get through as many blogs as I can too

4 fav foods
hmmmm, i like pasta (but I dont eat it often) I love vegemite toast...hmmmm....mangos (yummmmmmy) oh and pizza shapes (we all know that already)


10 years ago I was....
dancing...dancing and dancing ( and at some point my knee cap gets kicked out)

1 year ago I was......
probably sitting with my grandmother and talking to her

5 songs I know all the words to
ok...just name the musical and I could probably sing it all to you

5 things I would not wear
those little short shorts...ok maybe at a beach but out to dinner...i dont think so
white socks and black pants.....high heels (they just hurt me) anything that showed my stomach...oh and i would never ever ever wear anything to do with the collingwood football club

soooo, there it is...yes with questions left out I know.....happy weekend people

loosers and winners

Ok...its been a weird few days eating wise, i'm starting to feel like i'm getting better at controlling the binge...havent felt that urge for a lil while (or at least I cant remember it happening) but with this control I seem to just want to eliminate all food....I keep thinking to myself if nyou dont eat you will loose weight....this has been my little battle lately...my mini mantra....its not how much you eat, its what you eat, make healthy choices and fuel your body right....I probably havent been eating as much as I should be, but its far from starvation, and I have had a few little nibbles at 'junk' food, but I feel more concious of this and dont feel so bad.
Water is still happening, really making a concious decision to make sure I am drinking it....oh, and exercise, I've been fairly good, working on more weight training at the min (dropped the cardio a bit) but its such a nice feeling to actually enjoy doing this....I did sit ups last night and I felt fantastically worked out and alive.
I'm going to aim to get into the gym in the next 2 weeks...these are my less crazy weeks at work....keep my focus on eating the right food and not, not eating...there will be no binging.
This is the year, its is our year we will all be loosers and winners.

shy...or stupid

I've been trying really hard to motivate myself...i've put messages on my phone that go off every few hours...things that say 'dont give into temptation...you will loose weight....oh and abs abs abs...yes this is the big one for me....I really want to work on my abs....my stomach is yuk...its flabby it bulging its just fat!!!! So its time to do something about it....i'm gonna loose the tummy.
Apart from this I have another goal...to loose this bullshit introvert in me....so heres the situation, went out with friends as I do every Tuesday nite, we see a duo play, now theres this guy, one of the duo, i'm so attracted to him (No, not a sexual thing) i'm attracted to his personality, to his presence, I love how he is just him, so brave...so out there.....he comes and speaks to me all the time, now this is the type of person I would love to have as a friend....anyways, so yeh every week he comes to talk, catch up....i'm wondering why after so many weeks he even bothers, cos I swear, I just come across so stupid....like really really stupid! Ok, so there are so many examples, but lets just go to tonight, so theres a general group conversation happening (which i'm not participating in...just sitting there) he says to me 'do you sing' such a simple question....now here are many possible answers.
1. Yes, I have been singing since I was 8
2. I took lessons for 8 years
3. For the past few years thats how I made my living, I was teaching music and singing
4. Yes I can sing, but I havent performed in a while
But what do I say....nothing, I just stare at him, I feel my cheeks going red...again he asks, do you sing? I mumble something like, ummm..wellll....uhhhhh.....(then I turn to a friend and say) can I sing? How stupid can I be....I am just so unsocial....blahhhhhhhhhhhhh....I make myself so angry, why cant I just be me, why cant I answer a simple question....I hide in my fat and that is it!
Ok....these are the things I need to work on...they can be worked on, I will work on them.....oh god....sooooo much work to be done!

eeeehhhhh

Yes it has been a eeehhhh weekend...to start it off my computer died Friday so it was off for repairs (not happy) apart from that I had a 30 hr shift starting on Fri at 11am finishing Sat 5pm...sooo many issues there....eating wise...ehhh, not the greatest, got through Friday ok, and most of today ok....until I had to leave work then I had a little mini binge on chocolate (cos of course I had to tempt myself by buying the guy who fixed my computer a box of chocies...ehhh) oh well tomorrow is another day, tonight is a new night...kick back into healthy Laura who makes healthy food choices (ehhhh)
Promise to catch up on visiting all you guys blogs very soon

confessions

Ok...so I didn't go the gym...but this is not such a bad thing...I had quite a night out last night (which after driving to her house we decided to walk to the bar from there) was fairly good...but I did pick a few chips from my bf's plate (but I didn't order a bowl) Had a pretty good time, apart from all my selfconcious thinking....we didn't walk home, singer from the band playing decided we were getting a life, but when we got back to her house, there it was...some of you out there may jump with joy, cos i'm sure that more than one of you have made the suggestion...anyway...there it was 'confessions of a reformed dieter' I casually glanced at it (you see not many, infact, not really anyone besides this blog world now my complete and utter strive for this weight loss and search for happiness) picked it up like I pretended I didn't know what it was, and decided to in my most casual i'm not trying to lose weight voice ask if its a good book (she hasn't read it yet)then tell her I have nothing to read and it looked funny (ha ha)
SO I got the book, it is funny, but is really making me think...especially about eating and not starving, for so long I thought I had so much power if I didn't eat...and when I did loose weight I did it by eating...so big reminder for me IT IS OK TO EAT!!!
Then it got me thinking about being a 'big girl' this was something I heard alot when I was carrying the extra 15+ kilos I lost...I seem to forget that the 15kgs I lost are in the past (well bar the few I put back on...grrrrrrr...) I still, after this all happening a year ago, cannot accept that my body did change and some of the fat is gone.
Well that was a mighty ramble, I don't think I want to read back over it either...maybe you can tell me if anything I say makes sense...but yes, so far I am147 pages into the book and really enjoying it...Now back to this not going the gym...
Well I woke up and all the contents that I thought had dissapeared from my nose seemed to be there again(will this cold ever go) I felt tiered and wanted to cry for posting it up there...and by 3pm I realised that I had only gotten through a 600ml bottle of water...so instead of curling up inot a ball I jumped on the exercise bike, did 60mins riding, managed to push myself into doing 150 sit ups (in intervals) and the same in squats...so i'm feeling not to bad.
OHHHHH,and heres a big one...I know there are pizza shapes in the cupboard, but today....not even one, not a sniff not a lick not anything. One day at a time, I'm gonna make it, one day at a time.

The many moods of Laura

I must be the moodiest blogger round at the minute, up one minute down the next...hey welcome to my life....Today, well today seems to be a good day, with some 'less' desirable days of eating I have managed to be almost we days strong...bar the fact I ate one piece of veggie pizza, 2 handfuls of pizza shapes (whats with me and pizza) and a cream egg (one of my clients bought it for me) but on the upside this could almost be 30mins or less of bad eating for me on a bad day....I also have managed to put in some exercise, a fair bit of bike riding (god bless having a bike at home) and lots of squats and tummy crunches....oh, and I have kept my water drinking right up, I cant believe how many bottles I have been able to get down...keeping my water in a drink bottle is working for me so much better than getting a glass...i've drunk about 3 600ml bottles today so far!
I'm feeling a heap better, this cold is almost almost over (this time I think its for real...I sneezed today without loosing half the contents in my nose...yuk, yes I know)
In this past few days of better eating and exercising, I feel like a whole change has happened, I remeber what it feels like to feel good on the inside, slightly healthier, that lil more energy.....I was at this point some time ago (before I lost the plot) my body seems to recognise this feeling and is clinging to it...I couldn't wait to get home today so I could do some exercise...yes i'm riding the bike again....but I guess you could say i'm feeling more alive. (could this be the today I was looking for)
I like this feeling, i'm far from liking myself...in fact i'm still avoiding the mirror (I know I need to go out tonight so i'm in a little bit of a self-concious mode) but i'm gonna take this small step to feeling good and hold onto it as long as i can!
I have the day off tomorrow...so here it is, my aim is to get out to that gym again....yes i'll brave it alone.
SO, now, again and again...thank-you for so many of those comments that you have been posting, you people have been my rock! Lets keep this year happening.

once upon a time

Once upon a time I was a skinny girl..who turned into a fat girl....then I was a fat girl who got control and lost like 15kgs....then this 15kg lost girl hit a rough patch and start to gain it again!
This is so dissapointing to me....it was such a challenge to loose the weight the first time ( too many medicaly linked probs) and now...I have to loose it all again.
How could I let things get so bad again...I can feel the fat, my clothes are getting that bit tighter, my stomach looks like its preparing to carry triplets....I'm feeling disgusting.
I keep on saying tomorrow, tomorrow...fucking tomorrow, but tomorrow never seems to come, I just keep slipping and slipping and slipping....whats my problem!
It is so simple, with all the medical probs I have I have it spelt out for me...you can eat this, you cant eat that...if I eat the things on the 'I cant' list I wil get fat and I will get sick...but I keep on doing it...now this is not to say never, I could probably have my 'i cant' foods once every now and then...little tastes, but I have just gonre right of the rail...its like I know I cant have them...so now I want them more!!!!
Why cant I just do what I did the last time, I just did it!
I'm on the exercise bike at the min, cold is still there but it seems to be a little less dominering....I just feel like grilling my body for a few hours, make it sweat and make it hurt and remember how good the pain feels after it!
I think I need to get a 'gym' type cirlce of friends...I love the ones I have, but if I suggest a walk or anyhting they cringe, and run for chocolate, I need people I can exercise with, walk with, talk with, keep me...keep eachother motivated...its so hard to do it alone (believe me I feel so priveledged to have all out there in this blog world suporting me and suporting eachother)
When is today going to begin...when am I finally gonna change my life back....fuck...now, it has to begin n0w!!!! I cant keep living in this distruction...its killing me!

Ps...YAY all with all the weight lost out there...you are inspiring....keep it all up!

over and out

This cold will not give up...I think its getting better and its just not going away, I plan to surrender to it and after work today do nothing....after work tomorrow I plan to do nothing....my body is telling me to stop, so i'm gonna stop....I have no motivation, I get dis-heartened when I try and I physically cant....my head hurt, my nose is starting to run again, I have a horrible cough my stomach hurts and my body is just weary....so its over and out for me for a few days....but I will recover and I will be back, and when I'm back the battle will begin....cough.

challenge me!

I feel horrible...this cold still has the better of me, when i'm not working all I want to do is sleep...didn't make it to the gym, the cough is just too bad...Doing some bike riding now and after only 5 mins my chest feels about ready to cave in, the sweat is starting to pour....its at these times that giving up feels just so easy...my eating was far from desiarble the last few days...I gave into pizza yesterday and ice cream....I was just so tired that I didn't care.
Works a massive challenge for me, cos I work in houses theres food there all the time and theres bad foods that are so easy to get!
Just so many challenges that seem so hard at the moment...I read through so many blogs and see such fantastic results so many motivated and strong people...I've been asking for everyone to support each other and I feel like the weak link.
I dont want to be the weak link, I want to be strong...this is my year, this is our year...together we are strong....I will become strong.
So i'm looking for challenges...at the minute I feel weak and seem to be giving in...but I know how I am around others...i'm the type of person that if I make a promise, I keep it.
So if there are any challenges out there in this blog world, anything, may be drinking more water, getting to the gym...I dunno, you guys are creative....but yeh, i'm looking for weekly challeneges...
So if you have a challenge for me little or big (please be somewhat kind) send em to me and i'll pick one maybe 2 a week and see if I can pick myself back up and become the best I can be.

We are all going to be winners..be proud of your achievements so far

Attack of FAT

I thought things were going really well, was kicking through the depressive thoughts, really really really trying to be positive (after being negative a looooong time this is a very big challenge)
Was getting ready to have a shower when FAT attacked...I looked in the mirror and oh my GOD it was disgusting, I paniced, got shakey, started to cry...FAT cannot be back!
Had a pretty crappy nite after that, very self concious...just wanted to be home away from everyone.
But...although fat was back for a while, it did not win...I usually would begin the starvation process, or go the binge (who cared fat was here to stay) but this time I ate my meal, ordered fairly well and knew that tomorrow was another day....

So today, I can feel fat lurking, but i've been in control...I've had a ok day so far in terms of food...no exercise, but the end of this cold has made me very short of breath, so I have given myself the day off, and I dont feel too guilty cos I actually did exercise during the week! (might jump on the exercise bike for a bit after though)

Next aim, hit the gym tomorrow, got a long day...night...then day at work...(start at 2pm sun, finish 4.30pm Mon) So I hope to get the the gym Sunday morning knowing the next time I can probably get back is on Tuesday...heres hoping

will I...wont I

So many wonderful comments to read through...in no way am I saying I dont deserve any credit, but you out there have become my fuel....so heres the update...felt crappy when I woke up, wasn't even sure if i'd get to work..panadol...headed to work...finished work, got in the car (had packed stuff for the gym)...mini mind battle, do I don't I, will I wont I, yes...no...yes..no....YES
Went to the gym put in a short but hard 50mins...I almost felt like quiting about 20mins in, but its the year of winners...and I'm gonna be a winner (I have to keep reminding myself of this) we are all going to be winners!

Control

Yes, it may seem that I was a lil hard on myself the other night, thats what usually happens to me...bad night...get depressed....stay depressed...think whats the point....then give up!
So...do I give up...hell no.
I had my time to think about it, and read through so many encouraging messages, I re-remember 'this is the year of winners' and I still plan to be one.
I always focus on the negatives, so this time round why not look at the positives.
Its only a few days into this new year...no I haven't made all the greatest choices with my eating or my exercising, but I have been more in control...with my night of drinking, yes I did eat the toast...not so long ago I would have said 'stuff it' and ate the loaf of bread....here comes a confession...I have ate pizza shapes almost every day since my big binge, but I have had like 3 or 4 rather than the whole pack...I went out for dinner with a friend, yes I ate some of the herb bread...but I only ate a healthy portion of the really oversized meal....heres the big one, not more than a hour ago my friend gave me a huge bowl of tim tam ice cream (I didn't even know this existed) and instead of giving into the tempatation, I had the smallest taste (I just had to try it) and put the rest back into the tub....and you know what, I felt good that I had that control, I haven't felt like I have been in control of anything in a long time, and now...I have some control of this.
I have alot to thank you guys out there for again, I'm not sure how well I would have done on my own...but hey, I GOT THROUGH IT!!!
So, I'll put it out there again, the cold feels like its starting to go away(nose has stopped running...yes YUK!), so tomorrow my aim is to get back into the gym after work...keeps your fingers crossed for me!

bad bad laura

And just when I thought I was doing so well...went out, blocked nose was getting the better of me, so I had a vodka shot...just to warm the chest, bad idea...made me feel so good that I had another then another then another....then at 1.30am sobbering up, I get the munchies.....bad bad Laura gives in and eat 2 slices of toast with cheese (full fat cheese too....I was at a friends:( )
My hand is out....all of you get the belt out....then slap me hard....how crappy do I feel now....very fucking crappy!

you are my motivation

Ok...so I was up at 3am coughing and spluttering....my mind is already in the mind frame of what a excuse to not go to the gym...I take 2 panadol almost choke on the 2nd (it just wouldn't go down) I put vicks on the chest and head back to bed, my mind says 'you're sick...you dont need to go'
I wake up...all I can think is how dissapointing, I told my blog world that I'd go to the gym...mind says 'who cares...sick sick sick' I jump onto my blog and read all the comments....I cant let you guys down...take 2 more panadol vicks the chest up and I go to the gym...managed 45mins cardio and about 10mins worth of weights...I did it!
You people out there are truely inspiring...you became todays motivation...again and again I self proclaim....WE ARE GOING TO BE WINNERS....lets keep supporting one another, together we are strong, thank-you for helping me be strong.

If I can do it...so can you!

And the question is...did I go to the gym???? Well, after making up a hundred and one excuses, not being able to find my runners (can you tell its been a while...I finally found 'em) feeling awfully fat...I got into the car and I went to the gym....what a struggle it was to get there, but I did it....I didn't do greatly, 15mins on the stair thingy, 20mins on the treadmill, 40mins on the sitdown sort of bike....then I left, but the main thing is that I went....isn't it????

I'm doing some more riding on my exercise bike at home.

But the truth is, if I didn't blog it, if I knew you guys were not gonna see it, I dont think I would have gone....you out there are truely my inspiration, like I said in my last post....'I want us all to be the winners'

I nearly fucked it up today...made a nice healthy salad sandwhich....then I saw the chips and the pizza shapes, I started to eat it, only a few...it was a fight but I put them away and decided to make a nice healthy dinner and some extra to freeze for when i'm at work....I made a lentil soup...I am so proud, its really yummy and really healthy...I cant wait for dinner!

So here I go again...goal for tomorrow is to get back to the gym again...just that little step...but in hope I will do it. Please be ready to aim and fire if I re-blog and this hasn't happen.

Mini mantra....I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.....and if I can do it so can you!

together we can all be winners

Have just spent the last few days at the Pyramid Rock Festival, have never been so happy to get home and shower and wash 3 days of filth off me (the showers there did not come close to cutting it) I tried really hard to have a good time, but in typical Laura style I was shitty and crappy and just wanted to go home.
Then just in true Laura fashion, I get home and I just went on the biggest binge, after my very healthy sandwhich (which looked to be a promising start to the new year) I ate chips, the pizza shapes, water melon, icecream, heaps of soft drink, biscuites, pizza, not sure if I missed anything, but honestly could the list get any worse! I felt like total crap after that, I was sure I was gonna throw up, but it didn't happen. (great way to bring on the new year hey)
I watched a show this afternoon called 'I can change your life' was about a girl with the body morphing thingy, she reminded me alot of me (not as extreem) but it was defiently interesting to see how this guy worked with her to make the changes.
I want there to be changes for me, I have a few aims for the year, I need to ditch the fat!
I want to do the things that made me happy, that I lost for a long time.
I want to sing everyday, I love to sing...I did lessons for like 7 years, I want to to find my voice!
I want to dance..dancing is my life, it is my absolute love and I have lost it, I want to move everyday, I want to find the movement in my body!
I want to eat well (no more repeats of today) I know the potential of just how sick I can get if I dont follow the diet i'm meant to be on...I need to stay strong, I need to fuel my body the right way so I can function right. I need to remeber that its not a diet, its a lifestyle, I dont really get the choice... if I want to be healthy I need to eat right...
So, my smallest goal to achieve is to get my arse into the gym tomorrow, no excuses, no bullshit, time to get in there and begin this year properly...
For everyone out there... 06 is the time for the change, keep fighting the whole way through, in hope that together we can stand strong and we can all be winners....I want us to all be winners.